Now Hiring: Secretary for Chemo Patient

You’d think that being locked in a blood cancer unit in a hospital for a month would allow you some free time, but you’d be wrong. You’d be wrong because you don’t have blood cancer and don’t know what that’s fucking like, so take a minute to enjoy that, you ungrateful swine!

I haven’t had a moment’s peace or quiet since I was admitted on Thursday (1/22/15) morning. And I’m not talking about the regular hospital procedurals, exams, or administrations; I’m talking about the constant barrage of concerns, well wishes, vibes, prayers, tears, supports, offerings, emotional diarrheas and selfless displays of kindness, friendship and love that have been erupting from my cell phone, Facebook page and email. I feel like the director of a high-octane national press organization who needs several assistants and/or a daily allotment of amphetamines just to keep up with his ever erect inbox. I need help, I need to hire a secretary….

:checks finances, sees skyrocketing medical bills:

… On second thought, I’m just going to start a free-ass blog on WordPress where I can give my legions of fans what they want: Constant, nagging UPDATES. So please focus your attention here if you have any general questions about what’s going on with me, my treatment, my thoughts, my mood, my bitchings, my stool consistency, my daily urine volume, what organ chemo drug X is going to demolish that day, how many hairs I lost (and from what weird part of my body) and SO MUCH MORE. From here on out, please check this blog before you blow up my phone with questions that might be answered here and leave the texts/Facebook messages/emails to more important communications. I love keeping in touch with you all, and I’ve been so happy to hear from all of you, but repeating myself 40 times a day would be hard enough without leukemia and chemo. Please don’t stop messaging me, but please be aware that I don’t want to focus 100% of my daily attention on the fact that I have cancer. I strongly encourage you to ask questions in the comments section of these blog posts if you want to know more, it will be much easier to keep the conversations focused and organized here.  Remember that I’m more than a leukemia patient… I’m also an asshole, and we can talk about that all day long!

But in all sincerity, the amount of support from the amount of people I have received has humbled me – and you know that shit doesn’t happen easily! Thank you all so much for showing me how much you care; you’ve helped me tremendously already and we’ve only just begun. My positive attitude is a reflection of your support. The next few weeks or months or years are going to be quite the ride. I invite you to join me in trying to find as much to enjoy as possible. This blog will be a resource for all of us: a source of information and entertainment for you, and a mental health suppository for me. So sit down, strap in and laugh along with me, please!

I truly love you all.*

*Depending upon how the chemo affects my brain, that may be the last note of true sincerity in this blog, so get ready for snark. It’s called CANCER TROLLING, after all!

Jason Hornyak
Rm 4217
Presbyterian/St. Luke’s Medical Center
1719 E 19th St
Denver, CO 80218




16 thoughts on “Now Hiring: Secretary for Chemo Patient

  1. Tammy January 25, 2015 / 4:33 am

    Well done, I’m Hank Fisher friend, so I’m one of many working in sending u good vibes … if you feel even more wier …,,well is do to u !!!! Sending in u way love !!!!


    • jasonthornyak January 25, 2015 / 4:35 am

      Hi Tammy,
      Your reputation precedes you. I’ve heard all about you, trust me! It’s an honor to have your support. Hope to meet you soon! thank you!


  2. The Stangs January 25, 2015 / 3:18 pm

    We are thinking about you Jason! Loving the updates on here. I can’t bring you cases of baked Udi’s goods?! I would be so disappointed to not be able to shower you with gluten free foods… – Jill & Bryce


    • jasonthornyak January 25, 2015 / 3:29 pm

      Jill, have you sobered up from last saturday already? impressive!
      Unfortunately your garbage—-i mean gluten free baked goods wouldn’t really fly in here. aw shucks!

      Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, thanks for the support. I’m so happy I met you guys last year.


  3. Dog Shitsniffer January 25, 2015 / 7:40 pm

    soooo what was today’s stool consistency like? Please, spare no detail.


    • jasonthornyak January 25, 2015 / 7:42 pm

      it was hard as a rock…so they gave me some softeners.

      i don’t expect this to last, however


  4. Music teacher lady January 25, 2015 / 9:12 pm

    Well that’s a first…I’ve never once in my life ever heard of anyone complaining about an “ever erect inbox”…at least, I never would😉 Hang in there, Jason! I’ll be keeping tabs…


  5. Steph O'Tormey January 26, 2015 / 2:23 am

    Hey! I was just going to text you, but after reading this, I figured it’d be better to comment here. I’m so sorry I didn’t get to visit you before I left for Gunnison, but hopefully by the time Alex and I come back to Denver in a month or so, you’ll be out of the hospital. Your positive attitude is inspiring, keep it up! Good luck and I will keep reading this blog for updates on your progress! We will see you soon! Xoxo Steph & Alex


    • jasonthornyak January 26, 2015 / 2:40 am

      Thank you!!! i’m bummed that i couldn’t see you before you left, but there will be plenty of opportunities in the future. Enjoy the transition! Thanks for thinking about me


  6. RufusTFirefly January 26, 2015 / 9:15 pm

    Jason/ MIke’sHair ! Long time no PT for me, but I pop in every so often as a lurker and I saw this news today. Keep up the tremendously positive attitude that I’m seeing from you in this blog and you’ll beat this shit in no time.


    • jasonthornyak January 26, 2015 / 10:15 pm

      I was just thinking about you the other day!!! Every so often I think to myself “hmm, where did that PTer go” and you’re always on that list.
      Thanks for checking in, it’s great to hear from you! Much appreciated 🙂


  7. emily krauser (@gosugarhighgo) January 27, 2015 / 11:56 pm

    I also went into the ER thinking it was no big deal and ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks. I had non-hodgkin’s lymphoma, but it’s all in the same blood cancer family, and I also snarkily blogged my way through the whole thing. It’s the only way to do it. I won’t tell you to keep your spirits up or any of that namaste crap, because it always drove me crazy when people were like “I know what you’re going through too!” so just know your blog is great and I’m thinking those things I won’t type out. 🙂


    • Jason the Cancer Troll January 28, 2015 / 2:59 am

      you’re speaking my language emily. thanks girl, glad you kicked the shit. i can’t wait to be in the club with you


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